Voluntary Brokenness

I have felt detached for so long, and it is all rising to the surface now with the force and fury of a tidal wave.

I am, unfortunately, the type of person who does not deal with emotions very well. I have difficulty processing them. I have not always been like this. In fact, I used to be a rather emotional person. I cried, I felt happiness, I felt sadness - I felt, period. My college years have been wracked with what seems to be a bombardment of trials and hurt, and it was emotionally draining. As a result, I developed the ability to disregard all emotions as a defense mechanism because it is easier to simply push emotions to the side and ignore them rather than look them in the eye. I got pretty good at it, too.

Over time, I grew this tough exterior shell around my heart to protect me from my emotions. I initially just wanted protection from things like hurt and disappointment. However, I eventually lost the capacity to feel anything at all. So, while I succeeded in losing my ability to feel negative emotions, I ended up with more than I bargained for because I also lost the ability to feel positive emotions. Things like happiness, anticipation, and love. I became hollow. Like the Tin Man, I was without a heart - minus the squeaky limbs.

So, the question becomes: why would anyone do this to them self? Well, when you deal with things, you have to come face to face with all your junk. That is one of the scariest and most painful things we as humans have to do. Sometimes owning up to things causes us to look back on moments in our life that we are ashamed of so we can forgive ourselves. Sometimes it compels us to re-open wounds we thought were closed years ago in order to truly heal. Other times it forces us to face all the rejection, heartache, betrayal, and loss we have ever encountered so we can acknowledge our pain and move on. Emotions don't go away when they are ignored. In fact, more often than not it only makes them worse.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way. Now, I am bringing all my emotions to the surface, and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am so tempted to just keep them locked away, but I know I have to deal with all the negative in order to experience the positive.

There is no way I could face all these things alone, but luckily I don't have to. My God is good, and I know He will see me through - I just have to let Him. He has been patiently waiting for me to come to Him for help, and while I am still hesitant and scared, He is confident and capable. All I have to do is rest and relax in His control. Oh, how He loves!

"Therefore, He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf." -Hebrews 7:25