Plans

I didn't know who I was supposed to be...at fifteen.

Don't make fun, but Fifteen by Taylor Swift gets me every time. Sometimes I swear she sings about my life. When I was a teenager I was in such a different place than I am now. If someone would have asked me then what my life would look like now I would have told them I was going to go to Berry, become a teacher, and marry my high school boyfriend. I had my life all planned out for myself, and I was comfortable.

My world came crashing down on January 16th 2007 when the love of my life broke up with me over the phone after 3 years of dating. It is now 2009, and almost 3 years later I can still vividly recall the heartbreak like it was yesterday. Being on the phone with him that night was surreal. It was like I was watching this break up scene transpire between someone else, and I was just watching it all happen. It was an out of body experience. I remember sitting on a chair next to my parent's bed thinking that I would never be ok again. The only word I can think to somewhat describe how I felt is despair. Food lost its taste, music became dull, and eventually everything that I had once found pleasing became boring and sad. I was so broken, and I had no idea where to begin picking up the pieces.

Robert Frost once said, "In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on." My life went on after January 16th. It was the second semester of my senior year and it was time to decide what college I was going to attend. I hadn't given college much thought until my junior year when an older friend of mine told me she was going to Berry College in Rome, GA. I had never heard of Berry before in my life, but listening to her tell me all about it got me interested. I went to visit her one weekend and fell in love. Berry was everything I could have hoped for in a college and more. The campus was beautiful, the people were friendly, and it was 2 and a half hours away from anything that remotely reminded me of the person who broke my heart. I filled out the application for admission the next week. A majority of students applying for college will, in addition to applying to their first choice school, apply to a safety school. Mine was Jacksonville State University in Jacksonville, AL. I got my acceptance letter from JSU in the mail in October of 2006, and my acceptance notification online from Berry in late January of 2007. It was a no brainer that I was going to Berry, until I got another letter in the mail from JSU in February. The university awarded me a scholarship that would pay for my tuition. After talking to my parents and going on a campus visit, my plans changed again when I enrolled as a student at JSU. If someone would have told me earlier that year that I would be giving up going to my dream school to attend my safety school I would have thought they were crazy. Turns out it's just life that's crazy.

In August 2007, when I should have been moving to Rome, I was moving to Jacksonville. Even though my high school sweetheart and I were over and I was enrolled at JSU instead of Berry, I still knew I was going to be a teacher one day. I had always felt a calling to ministry, but I never knew what opportunities that had, so I figured teaching would be a good alternative that I would really enjoy. However, the more I learned about teaching the more I realized I did not want any part of it. Lesson plans were boring, creating activities was a pain, I discovered that if I majored in education I would be spending my life doing something I hated, and I could not stand to live like that. Five majors later I decided on English, and after obtaining my undergrad I hope to become a youth pastor and possibly go to seminary.

My best friend told me last night that God laughs at plans. My life is the perfect example of that sentiment. When I was fifteen I had it all planned out, but God had something different in mind. Now, my life could not be more different than what I thought it would be back then. Everything got turned upside down, and it was hard to accept. I spent a lot of time being angry that my plans got messed with instead of embracing God's changes. Everyday I am seeing Him execute His plan for me in my life, and while sometimes it is still painful, I know the ending will be better than anything I could have ever planned for myself.

"Lord, I know that our lives don't really belong to us. We don't have what it takes to take charge of life. So correct us, God, as you see best." -Jeremiah 10:23-24

R & B

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but my friends really are superior to everybody elses.

I have two very close friends from high school. One I met my sophomore year at the very first basketball practice at a local high school when we both transferred to Mill Creek from two different schools. We realized that we had a few mutual friends, and from then on we became friends. We went on vacations together, attended small group together, played basketball together, and really got to know each other. One thing I learned about her was that she had absolutely no interest in any of the guys from our high school. She knew exactly what she wanted in a guy, and she wasn't going to settle. She would tell our small group the things she desired in a boyfriend, and we all joked that we couldn't wait to meet the man she was going to marry because we didn't think a guy that perfect existed! We graduated high school, went to college, and one day during our sophomore year I logged on to Facebook and learned that she was in a relationship. I could not believe it! I quickly sent her a private message hoping to learn more about this guy. She told me all about him, and I was so excited for her. She sounded so happy, and he sounded great! Then, in mid September I get a text message from her, and it is a picture of a ring. She got engaged! She was the first one of us from high school to get engaged. I haven't met her fiance yet, but from what I've been told he is an amazing man. Not to mention he is a lucky man to be engaged to one of the most beautiful, sincere, kind, and true friends I have ever had. I could not be more happy for her!

Now, there is another friend I have from high school. I did not like her at all, and the feeling was mutual. I thought she was the meanest girl I had ever met, and she thought I was the most annoying person on the planet. We met playing basketball our freshman year, and later transferred to Mill Creek our sophomore year. However, it wasn't until our senior year when we became best friends. I am not going to divulge the details on how we became friends because it is super lame, but literally one day we decided we were going to become "attached at the hip", and we have been ever since. I have never had a friend like her before. She is ultra smart, so gorgeous, really goofy, and, to top it off, the most honest person I have ever known. When we went to college she was at the end of a pretty serious relationship, but it wasn't long after the semester began that she met someone. One Thursday night she invited me to her sorority's formal, and even though our colleges are two hours away I hopped in the car and drove to see her. While we were getting ready she was telling me about a guy she met, and she told me that we were going to hang out with him later that night. After the formal (which was so fun, by the way) we stepped outside the house and there he was, walking down the street to meet us. I remember how excited she was to see him. The rest of the night we spent hanging out with each other laughing and just having a great time. They began dating, and as my friendship with my best friend grew, so did my friendship with him, and he is an awesome guy. A few weeks ago I got a text message from my friend telling me that she just picked out an engagement ring. She is not engaged yet, but I have a feeling she will be soon. Talk about pumped! I cannot believe my best friend is about to get engaged, but I am so super thrilled for her!

I am so thankful for these two girls that God has placed in my life and for the men that God has placed in theirs. I hope you girls know how much I love you and how excited I am for you as your lives continue forward. I know you won't be getting married for a while, but I am still so happy for you and I cannot wait to watch you walk down the aisle. :)

"My dear, dear friends! I love you so much. I do want the very best for you. You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride." -Philippians 4:1

Soon

I know it has been a while since I've written a decent post, but my heart is too full to write anything too long tonight. It is incredible how present God is and how quickly he responds to those who call on Him. I'm hoping for a hearty post on Saturday. I have a lot to write on an incredible Comforter.

"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73:26

For Brittany

:)

Made For You by Matt Gilman

http://www.myspace.com/mattgilmanmusic (click on "Made for You")

I will abide in You; oh come abide in me
For without You I can do nothing
For without You I can do nothing

Chorus:

To walk in the cool of the day with You
To gaze on the beauty of all You do
To meditate on Your glorious splendor
I was made for You

Verse 2:

On You I meditate and pray both night and day
Oh Lord, that I would be with You where You are
Oh Lord, that I would be with You where You are

Bridge:

To be called a lover of God
To speak face to face, to know all Your thoughts
To abide in Your love, in Your love in me
To keep Your commands, that I may be filled with joy

This is such a beautiful song. I hope you will take time to consider what these lyrics are telling you about your purpose. This is why we were created: To simply abide in Him. To walk with Him daily. To appreciate all He has done. To be amazed at who He is.

When we look at the simplicity of the life God has created us to lead it makes all of our outside stresses seem so unimportant. This song makes me feel so content and blessed to be created especially for God. Lord, I was made for you. :)

"If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord." -Romans 14:8

Humility vs. Pride and Some Thoughts on Responsibility

I just need a listening ear...

I got in a car accident two Thursdays ago, and have been without a car ever since. However, life goes on. I know I am a busy person, but it dawned on me last week just how busy I am. I work, go to school, am a member of campus groups, and attend younglife. While my sweet roommates were so gracious in allowing me to borrow their cars when they weren't using them, we all lead busy lives and have things to do, and it is not their responsibility to tote me around. Sometimes I feel guilty when asking for help, like I'm being a burden, and other times it simply comes down to my selfish pride. I often take myself and my agenda too seriously, and get annoyed when I cannot do things when I want. I am the queen of making a mountain out of a mole hill. Last week was very trying. Just because I didn't have a car didn't excuse me from my commitments, but I had to miss some and now I have to face the consequences. That is a hard pill to swallow because I feel like I'm being held accountable for something I had no control over. My pride causes frustration, but I am called to rise above that. Here is a bit of insight to my prideful nature:

I like to be independent and do the things I need and want to do when I need and want to do them, and I don't like being at the mercy of others in trying to accomplish tasks. I don't like asking for rides, I don't like asking for help, heck... I don't even like working in groups on school assignments. I want to do things my way on my time. But here is the truth, when I set my pride aside I remember: it is not about me. I have to be more understanding in that there are consequences for everything that happens in life whether those things are self-inflicted or by cause of someone else. In life, we must always be willing to roll with the punches and be big enough to lay our pride down and accept responsibility when we are called to. When life gets hectic, we are faced with obstacles, and we sometimes have to accept responsibility for situations we don't want to take the blame for we must remember to be ever humble, courageous, and live in love because we serve a mighty and faithful God. Oh, how He loves us!

"But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously." -Micah 6:8

Symbolism

My friend, Kane, introduced me to a new artist named Coffey Anderson. He is absolutely incredible. His music is so soulful and rich! He sings awesome love songs, and even better gospel music. That is right up my alley considering all my friends jokingly tell me that I should have been born black. :) Check him out, you might love him as much as I do.

It is finally feeling like autumn here in Jacksonville. Fall is my FAVORITE season by a long shot. I love everything about it. The crispness in the air, the excitement of college football, the anticipation of upcoming holidays, having cool weather to spend in the outdoors and, most importantly, the leaves changing colors. The colors of the leaves when they change is so beautiful to me, especially in Jacksonville. There are trees everywhere here, and being in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains isn't bad either because when I look outside I see endless mountains and trees. It is absolutely gorgeous. That being said, I think the actual reason I love fall so much is because of the symbolism it has in my life. Leave it to an English major to write a blog entirely about symbolism, but if the shoe fits...

My high school youth pastor unknowingly changed the way I will experience fall forever. Before we were dismissed from the service he always said a prayer for the upcoming week. In his prayer he said something that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. He thanked God that He created the leaves to change colors for the sole purpose of our enjoyment. I could not believe what I just heard. As I was riding in the backseat of my friend's car on my way home I looked out the window at all the trees and their leaves. They were beautiful, but I had never stopped to realize why. In school I was taught all about photosynthesis and plant processes. I knew the science behind the phenomenon of autumn leaves, but I never stopped to give credit to the Creator. When I thought more about it, I realized that God didn't have to make the process beautiful. He could have made photosynthesis boring and blah, but he didn't. He made the process pleasing to us because He loves us and wants us to enjoy this place He created for us. What a sweet Lord we have to make even the smallest detail of his creation beautiful simply out of love for us. When I see the leaves I am always reminded of God's deep love for His people and His precious lovingkindness. Everything in this life that I enjoy comes from God. Even something as simple as the leaves changing colors.

"God looked at everything He made, and it was good. So very good!" -Genesis 1:31