Thursday, October 17, 2013

Life Changes

It has been way too long!

It has been FOREVER since my last post, and quite a lot has changed in my life. First, I graduated from JSU with a degree in Communication - Print Journalism and a minor in English. I have moved to Florida and started my dream job as a youth pastor. I have been working at my church four about a year and a half, and I absolutely love it! This job is everything I could have ever hoped for and more. My students are so wonderful, I love my co-workers, and I finally feel like I am where I am supposed to be - which is quite a refreshing change since I didn't always feel that way about Jacksonville, especially after all my friends graduated and moved away.

I am living in a suburban town in Central Florida, and it is a great place to live. Even though Florida is in the South, it isn't the South. There are palm trees everywhere and it is hot all. the. time. Plus, it stays green year round - the leaves never change color! That part is horrible because fall is my favorite season and the changing leaves are so beautiful. But, there are lakes all over the place, and I really enjoy that. My town also has the most adorable downtown area with all kinds of little shops and restaurants, and I'm a sucker for a cute downtown - probably because it reminds me of where I grew up. The worst thing about where I currently live is that there are literally no people my age here, and those closest to my age are all married and having children. I have yet to meet one single girl in her mid twenties just living life to be friends with, so I have just thrown myself into work. It's a good thing I love it so much, or I'd probably be miserable.

I don't get to go home often at all, and I really hate that. I have missed a lot being gone. I never get to see my friends and family which has been really hard. I feel left out of everything that is happening with my loved ones, and that has been the hardest part because since I don't have any friends here, they're all I've got. I miss Georgia so much it honestly hurts if I think about it too much. I hope I get to live at home again one day.

The only thing that makes being away from home worth it is knowing that I'm doing what God has called me to do. I have felt a call to youth ministry since I was in sixth grade (that is a post for another day), and I'm happy to finally be doing what I know I'm meant to do. I have had a lot to learn, but God has been so good to me and surrounded me with a church family that is patient, loving, and so very encouraging.

As hard as it is being away from my friends and family and not having any friends here my age, I would be hard pressed to find a job that is better than the one I have. I know I have griped a bit in this post, but I honestly feel very lucky to not only have a job, but one that I love. There is no better feeling than knowing you are doing what you're supposed to be doing with your life and having a job that doesn't feel like work because you enjoy it so much.

I want to start blogging more regularly, at least once a week, so be looking for more posts to come!

Psalm 57:2
"I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me."

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bell, Commentary, and the God who can handle our questions





I want to start off by acknowledging that this post is simply my small contribution to a discussion that is already happening. And yes, it too is commentary.

Rob Bell is my favorite author. When I was in high school, my small group read his debut work Velvet Elvis, and I have been captivated ever since. His other works, Sex God and Drops Like Stars have proven to be equally thought provoking, and his book Jesus Wants to Save Christians is one I am eager to finish. I love his fresh thinking and how his books cause me to think about things in a different way. Every time I read something he has written I can't help but think, "Hmm, I've never thought about it that way."

However, in addition to the ideas he presents, he also extends an invitation. An invitation to choose. He openly encourages us to decide for ourselves what we believe about what he has written.

In Velvet Elvis, Bell states that he doesn't want us to just believe what he has said without thinking about it first. He desires his readers to test, probe, and wrestle with what he has written because, "God has spoken, and the rest is just commentary" (Bell 87). I believe in the truth of the Bible. I believe that it is the infallible word of God that is perfect and holy. I also believe that no matter what christian artists you listen to, or what christian novels you read, or what christian speakers you enjoy - all the thoughts, songs, ideas, and sermons we hear is commentary. Whether it is Third Day or Chris Tomlin, Beth Moore or Rob Bell, John Piper or Joyce Meyer it doesn't matter. All the songs, books, and sermons we encounter are all a response to their experience with the scriptures. It's all commentary, and what makes all these outlets unique from the Bible is that we can pick and choose what we believe from what they present to us. God's Word is all or nothing. Novels, songs, and sermons aren't.

We don't have to like or even agree with every sermon we hear or every verse of every song we listen to. We can choose. We can agree with some parts of a book and not others because it is not the Word of God. It is ok to be selective.

It's no secret that Bell's new book, Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Everyone Who Ever Lived, has caused quite a stir. It has sparked a controversial discussion in the christian and non-christian communities about the fundamental belief many individuals have regarding Heaven and Hell. I always knew I would read this book, but I wanted to do some research first. I have come across countless interviews, blogs, and videos that have provided both praise and criticism for both the book and Bell, but one in particular stuck out. It was a youtube video by someone who appeared to be in his 2os. In his video he makes the claim that, "When we question God, we get into a lot of trouble." I could not disagree more.

I believe that at the core of sincere questioning is humility and courage. We all know what it can be like to have a question but be too timid or prideful to ask it, right? I know I have. So, just the simple act of questioning shows a great deal of meekness, and I think that God appreciates that. I think that God would rather have his children ask questions and know what they believe and why they believe it instead of having followers who are content to believe whatever they hear without taking the time to consider why.

What is wrong with knowing what you believe?

This discussion about Heaven and Hell that is brought up in Love Wins - why is everyone so scared to take part in it?

And this discussion that is so vibrant and humble and earnest - why is everyone turning it into an argument?

God is bigger than our questions. He can handle our discussions. In all honesty, I think they can bring Him a lot of glory. There is no question we can ask or discussion we can hold or issue we can bring up that is too much for Him. There is never anything said to which God responds, "Whoa, now. No comment."

With a humble heart, ask God questions. Wrestle with the commentaries you have encountered in songs, books, and sermons, and feel free to pick and choose what you believe from those. Seek wise, godly counsel for things you can't make sense of on your own. Take part in what is going on around you. Above all, search God's Word for answers.

So, instead of challenging you or trying to convince you to read Love Wins, I simply want to invite you to educate yourself, decide what you believe, and join in the discussion - because God can handle it.

2 Timothy 3:16
"There's nothing like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of scripture is God-breathed and useful one way or another - showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Familiar Song

I love music. I always have.

Everyone has habits when it comes to music, and this is one of mine. I will find a song that I like and then download every single song by that artist that I can get my hands on whether I know it or not. I put everything on my iPod, but for a while I only listen to the one song that I already knew. I don't know why, but that is just how I do things. Sometimes, though, I will put my iPod on shuffle and just let it go. That is how I came across "Familiar Song" by Isa.

My love affair with Isa's music began with the raw recording of her song "Rend the Heavens." One listen to that song and I bought the entire album without ever having heard any of her other music. I have listened to a few other tracks from that record, but I never listened to "Familiar Song" until tonight. I was in my car on the way back from a sorority event and this song caught me completely off guard. The lyrics describe my heart's condition right now so perfectly that I cannot seem to hear them enough. All the feelings I could not seem to put into words, this song details beautifully.

Below are the lyrics to "Familiar Song" by Isa. It is a short little song at only a bit over two minutes, but well worth the listen.

"In the night as I lie awake and tears flow down my face, I think of you - I dream of you. Of how I long - how I long to see your face. I seek you, Lord. I have need of you. Nothing to give - what else can I do? I so thirst, thirst for you. My heart yearns for you, my love. My love."

I cannot find a link to this song anywhere on the internet. My only advice is to go to iTunes RIGHT NOW and buy it. You won't regret it.

"God, you are my God. I search for you. I thirst for you like someone in a dry, empty land where there is no water" -Psalm 63:1

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Voluntary Brokenness

I have felt detached for so long, and it is all rising to the surface now with the force and fury of a tidal wave.

I am, unfortunately, the type of person who does not deal with emotions very well. I have difficulty processing them. I have not always been like this. In fact, I used to be a rather emotional person. I cried, I felt happiness, I felt sadness - I felt, period. My college years have been wracked with what seems to be a bombardment of trials and hurt, and it was emotionally draining. As a result, I developed the ability to disregard all emotions as a defense mechanism because it is easier to simply push emotions to the side and ignore them rather than look them in the eye. I got pretty good at it, too.

Over time, I grew this tough exterior shell around my heart to protect me from my emotions. I initially just wanted protection from things like hurt and disappointment. However, I eventually lost the capacity to feel anything at all. So, while I succeeded in losing my ability to feel negative emotions, I ended up with more than I bargained for because I also lost the ability to feel positive emotions. Things like happiness, anticipation, and love. I became hollow. Like the Tin Man, I was without a heart - minus the squeaky limbs.

So, the question becomes: why would anyone do this to them self? Well, when you deal with things, you have to come face to face with all your junk. That is one of the scariest and most painful things we as humans have to do. Sometimes owning up to things causes us to look back on moments in our life that we are ashamed of so we can forgive ourselves. Sometimes it compels us to re-open wounds we thought were closed years ago in order to truly heal. Other times it forces us to face all the rejection, heartache, betrayal, and loss we have ever encountered so we can acknowledge our pain and move on. Emotions don't go away when they are ignored. In fact, more often than not it only makes them worse.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way. Now, I am bringing all my emotions to the surface, and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am so tempted to just keep them locked away, but I know I have to deal with all the negative in order to experience the positive.

There is no way I could face all these things alone, but luckily I don't have to. My God is good, and I know He will see me through - I just have to let Him. He has been patiently waiting for me to come to Him for help, and while I am still hesitant and scared, He is confident and capable. All I have to do is rest and relax in His control. Oh, how He loves!

"Therefore, He is able, once and forever, to save those who come to God through Him. He lives forever to intercede with God on their behalf." -Hebrews 7:25

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The prayer of my heart

HOLY SONNETS.
XIV.
By John Donne

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

A Long Time Coming

"Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near."

I am in a funk, and I have been for a while.

As I sit on my bed writing this post I am having trouble getting started. My heart feels very far away. Writing has always helped me find my way back to where I should be, so I decided to give it a go.

I wonder how my life got to this point. Last summer I was on fire. I mean, I was thriving in the Word and in the Lord. Now, I feel distant, and I am having a hard time getting back to Him. I have a serious wall up, and I have no idea how to even begin tearing it down.

The lyrics at the beginning of the post are to a song you probably already know called "Draw Me Close to You." I so appreciate the truth of those lyrics. I need to be reminded that the Lord is supreme. He is steadfast, loving, jealous, faithful, and eagerly waiting for me to return.

A friend shared an incredible youtube video with me not long ago featuring a man named Brennan Manning. In the video he begins speaking about things that the Lord has taught him "in the 48 years since he was first ambushed by Jesus." He says that he believes that when we stand before God at Judgment He is going to ask us this one question: "Did you believe that I loved you? That I desired you. That I waited for you day after day. That I longed to hear the sound of your voice." He goes on to say that some people will be able to stand before Him and say, "Yes, Lord. I believe those things." But, he continues, others will have to stand before the Lord God Almighty and answer: "Well, no sir. I mean, I heard a lot of lovely sermons about your love, and in fact, I gave a few myself. But, I was never truly able to believe it."

At this point I find myself leaning toward the latter response. I know He loves me, but it is so hard to believe sometimes. I am filthy and undeserving and fickle and unreliable. Yet I am forgiven and precious and loved and desired and a treasure in His eyes. A love like that is so foreign and completely ridiculous in the world's terms, but it is a love and relationship that humans were created to long for, and as the song says, "You are my desire / no one else will do." What beauty and truth are found in those lines!

Lord, I cannot even fathom your love. Thank you for lavishing me, an undeserving sinner, with such an extravagant gift. Please "help me find a way / bring me back to You."

Man, I feel better already.

"The Lord's love never ends; His mercies never stop. They are new every morning; Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, 'The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him.'" -Lamentations 3:22-24

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It All Started With a Movie...

I never thought a Lifetime movie would ever generate a blog post...

Today my roommate, friend, and I all watched The Pregnancy Pact. Talk about wild. That movie deals with a lot of serious issues. Every commercial we would press pause and discuss topics like abortion, contraceptive, parent involvement, media boundaries, adolescent desires--you name it, we talked about it. It was a pretty intense movie. However, the scene that really got to me was at the very end of the movie, and it lasted about 5 seconds. You see one of the pregnant teens sitting in the school courtyard, and the father of her child walks up from behind. Only, he passes her by. He is actually walking to meet his new girlfriend who is sitting on an adjacent bench. That scene was heart wrenching. It was the most painful part of the entire movie.

After that scene I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. I remember being 15 thinking I was going to marry my high school boyfriend. I remember the feeling I got in my stomach every time I heard something about him and his new girlfriend. I remember coming across old photos of us and being reminded that there was a time when he loved me, too. I remember everything.

But this post isn't just about me because everyone has a story.

Last night I was at work, and I ended up having two deep conversations with two different customers. One was a 55 year old man. He comes in with his family for dinner quite often, but this time he was alone. After I served him his dinner he began telling me about his life and family. His two oldest children received full scholarships to college, and in an effort to help his youngest achieve his dream of playing college baseball, transferred from a private to public high school his senior year. And apparently, that took quite a toll on them both. Not everyone understood their decision, and as a result they both lost a lot of friends. People they thought they could count on ended up letting them down. So, as a 55 year old man and a 18 year old senior in high school, they are both having to start over. You don't think of having to pick up and start new at either time in life. However, his son was voted team captain, and the new school has welcomed him and his family with open arms. It hasn't turned out so bad after all.

Another was a woman who I guess was in her mid to late 50's as well. She made a to-go order, and waited at the bar until it was ready. While she waited she began asking me about school and what I wanted to do after graduation. I told her that my major is Print Journalism, and that I have a lot of things on my bucket list. I began telling her how I wanted to be a youth pastor, how I would love to be a writer, how I might even like to be a professor one day. Then she began telling me about her life. She was a stay at home mom for 20 years until her husband passed away, leaving her without a spouse, her children without a father, and their family without a source of income. During a time when her and her husband should be sending their children off to college and happily preparing themselves for life with just the two of them, she is having to find a way to make ends meet alone. So, she goes back to school. It must have been scary to enter a classroom again so much later in life, but she did. And she graduated. She is now working in the art department at JSU, and loving it!

My heartbreak and rebuilding is so much a part of my life and my story. It has played a major role in shaping who I am, for better and for worse. There are times when it seems like I will never again endure anything that will impact me so much. Sometimes I feel like no one else has had such a life changing experience as mine, and it is in those moments that I am convicted of my own self-centeredness. All too often I buy in to my own personal fable, but at that time I have to take a step back from myself and consider the countless others who have something powerful to say. The two people I met last night proved that to me.

We were created so that with God, nothing is too big to overcome. Life can seems like a war that is impossible to win, but it isn't. Our hearts get hurt, we lose friends and loved ones, and sometimes we have to pick up the pieces of something that shouldn't even be broken in the first place. But what I've learned is that pain is ok. More times than not it's good. Life can be hard, confusing, and hurtful, but, as believers, we have already won!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." -John 16:33